Captain Crustacean
"Who am I? What am I?" -Captain Crustacean Captain Crustacean is a mutated Man-Crab hybrid. He is a rugged vigilante and the eponymous protagonist of ''Captain Crustacean. '' = Early Life Captain Crustacean, before becoming the intrepid hero, lived life as a normal crab. He was born sometime in early 2009, making him six years old at the start of Captain Crustacean Issue #1. His mother was a Ghost Crab from somewhere in the Mid-Pacific, while his father was an unknown species who carried his own father's Nazi Man-Crab genes, which he passed on to his son. Sometime in mid-2009, the crab that would become Captain Crustacean molted for the first time, pupating into an adult crab. Shortly afterwards, he went off in search of a mate. Adult Life A few weeks after pupating, Captain Crustacean found a mate, a female Shame-Faced Crab living off the coast of California. It was love at first sight for the arthropod duo, and it wasn't long before they conceived, and released somewhere around 2,500 eggs into the sea. However, they were almost immediately ground up in the propeller of a passing boat, so Captain Crustacean and his wife tried again, this time successfully spawning about 1,600 crab larvae. It is unknown where these offspring are, or whether they carry the Todkrabbe mutation. Mutation On May 19th, 2015, a septic line piping human waste away from a British Petroleum (BP) workstation suddenly burst due to a crab getting caught in the pipeline and clogging it. Pressure built up until finally the line split, spewing a high-pressure jet of human shit about 60 feet into the air. The majority of this landed in the nearby bay, where Captain Crustacean just happened to be taking his wife out for a lovely dinner of fish feces. Unknown to him, he carried a gene passed down to him from his father: the Todkrabbe gene, developed in Nazi Germany in 1942, and specifically designed to be triggered by human fecal matter to avoid discovery by the Allies. Once the cloud of diarrhea in the water made contact with Captain Crustacean, he began to rapidly and furiously mutate, quickly becoming a crime against nature. Seconds after the shit had touched him, Captain Crustacean weakly rose to his new feet, seeing the world through new eyes that were part human, part crab. Confused about what his role was in the world, he uttered his first words; "What am I? Who am I?" However, his crab wife was killed when she breathed in too much human shit. Captain Crustacean pulled her corpse from the ocean, and for the first time realized that a single egg had remained within her: his unborn son. Filled with rage and grief over the deaths of his son and wife, Captain Crustacean sprang into action. He first killed a security guard at the workstation, taking his family heirloom M1911 pistol and several magazines of ammunition. He slaughtered everybody at the base, not even realizing that BP was not at all responsible for what had happened. After killing everyone at the oil processing site, Captain Crustacean moved on, carving a wake of destruction as he killed indiscriminately, barely distinguishing between civilian, security, and anywhere in between. During the struggle, Captain Crustacean accidentally destroyed a rusted old shovel that had been laying around. This inhumane murder of an innocent shovel telepathically alerted Officer Shovel, a veteran of the Vietnam War and passionate shovel lover. Quickly, Officer Shovel sprang into action, determined to take care of the crustacean catastrophe once and for all. Conflict with Officer Shovel At around 10:30 AM on May 20th, 2015, Captain Crustacean made contact with Officer Shovel outside of a gas station somewhere in southern Oregon. Captain Crustacean had just finished taking care of the criminals within the gas station, once again saving the day for crabkind. Quickly, Captain Crustacean reloaded his pistol, expecting an easy fight against the officer, who was armed only with varying lengths of shovel. Immediately, Captain Crustacean magdumped into Officer Shovel; however, he was caught off guard by the deflection of his .45 stronk bullets by Officer Shovel's specialty titanium alloy garden spade. Officer Shovel quickly closed the distance, and though the unnerved crab man tried to reload, he was mercilessly beaten with a shovel, losing his pistol in the conflict. Battered and bloody, Captain Crustacean tried one last time to fight back, but to no avail; Officer Shovel threw a special-order shovel-shaped Zippo lighter onto the gas-soaked Captain Crustacean, blowing him up in a huge fireball. The crustacean was only saved by a nearby doctor, who knew of Captain Crustacean's secrets, and wished to tell him how and why he had become a crab man. To be continued..... Traits Captain Crustacean sees himself and is seen by others as a valiant hero, though in all actuality he is more or less just a serial murderer. He kills without discrimination, and even if it requires extra, unnecessary effort to kill someone who isn't even in his way, he will engage them. Though he seems to be natively skilled with firearms, most of this 'skill' comes from the fact that he doesn't bother aiming all that much, and will simply send a hail of bullets downrange. Furthermore, he seems to be skilled in hand-to-hand combat, often employing his trusty pincher hand--one of the few parts of him not mutated by the shit--to sever body parts, normally to lethal effect. He has even been seen to use human arms like spears, impaling other people simply by throwing the appendage. This implies he has superhuman strength, though if he does, even he doesn't seem to realize it. Captain Crustacean's intelligence has often been compared to a retarded toddler, and though he is capable of normal speech and combat, his intelligence has been proven to be limited at best; for example, his genocide crusade was started entirely because the first thing he saw upon mutating was a BP shipping truck, and he more or less assumed that Bob Dudley, CEO of BP, was responsible for killing his wife and unborn son, though in actuality they had nothing to do with it. Captain Crustacean stands at about six feet, two inches from foot to forehead, not including the top of his protective shell. His natural armor is nearly an inch thick, and as such, pistol-caliber weapons have little effect on him, requiring rifle-caliber weapons to be employed against him. However, melee attacks do seem to affect him heavily, only requiring three or four shovel strikes from Officer Shovel to incapacitate him. This suggests that the entire top part of his shell could be occupied by a massive, needlessly heavy brain. Due to problems with his mutation, Captain Crustacean has thin, spindly legs, assumed to be due to restricted bloodflow; as such, they are a major weakpoint for him, and a light kick could easily cause compound fractures. To combat this, Captain Crustacean employs a motorized wheelchair, which he calls in whenever his legs are broken. Mounted on this wheelchair are twin M2 Browning .50 caliber machine guns, fired by a control panel on the wheelchair's arm rest. It is unknown why he doesn't use this wheelchair permanently, as it is significantly more effective than him on foot. Trivia * Captain Crustacean, due mostly to his dense, protective shell, weighs nearly a ton. * Captain Crustacean has no orifices in his shell, and as such it is unknown how he urinates or defecates. * Fittingly, the family histories of Captain Crustacean and Officer Shovel are entwined; Captain Crustacean's grandfather, the Nazi Todkrabbe V1, fought and then fought with Officer Shovel's father, Private Officer. * The M1911 pistol used by Captain Crustacean is left over from World War One. It is unknown how it is still in working order. * Captain Crustacean's wheelchair has a top speed of 800 miles per hour. * It is unknown where Captain Crustacean gets enough .50 BMG rounds to fire his machine guns indefinitely.